It’s Carnival time – the last day – so let’s look on the bright side of life
It’s been a good Carnival and we have been thoroughly filled with mirth and merriment because this year’s revelry coincided with the closure of the PN’s General Assembly, and this was supplemented by the usual crackpot outbursts by Adrian Delia.
However, let’s put politics aside for a change and touch on something personal.
Since upgrading my feeble brain to a modicum of technology, that is, the internet, the email system and later Facebook, I have experienced some wondrous moments.
Annually, I receive hundreds of emails from prospective female lovers from all over the world, telling me how handsome I am, how cool I am, how they have spent hours admiring my picture, how they would love to meet me, how hot they are for sex and how looking forward they are to having sex with me! Goodness me, I have never felt so elated and so flattered.
The key to all this is money. Am I prepared to transfer an amount to them to help pay their passage to Malta or perhaps I could give them my bank account so they can make a direct withdrawal? Some even purport to live just a few streets away.
I receive so many that I generally ignore them.
However, when I am in a good mood with nothing better to do I send replies that:
I am Gay and not interested in women;
I am 93 years old and cannot manage sex anymore;
That since they saw my picture I have changed because all my hair and my teeth have fallen off or out;
I am in financial need and perhaps they can send me money to help me.
Strangely enough, when I inform them of one of these they never seem interested anymore!
However, all this romance is just the tip of the iceberg.
I now calculate that I am a multimillion-billionaire because so many relatives that I never knew I had from practically every country n Africa have died and left me a fortune.
All I have to do is send details of my bank account and millions of euros or dollars will be promptly posted into my account. It gets even better – I have won lotteries worldwide, millions and millions of euros and all I have to do is make my claim and send my details.
A recent inheritance was brought to my attention yesterday.
I received a mail from a lawyer, a Dr David Hampel, who is apparently based in the African country, Togo. He informed me in perfect Maltese that a Great Uncle that I never knew I had, one Andrew Edward Fenech, went to Togo in 1978 to work as an engineer. He has now died but has left many millions of dollars in trust with him – naming me as the one who should inherit this fortune.
The matter is apparently of some urgency before the Togo financial authorities realise that millions of dollars are leaving the country so please can I send all my bank details for him to affect an immediate tax-free transfer?
With such an offer on the table, I speedily replied thus:
“Hello.
“Yes, I did have a Great Uncle Andrew Edward Fenech who was an engineer and went to Togo. We were in fact informed he had been murdered, decapitated and his body cut into quarters.
“As you seem to have information about him and possibly about his horrendous murder, I have given your email address to the International Unit of the Malta Police, the Criminal Investigation Department, EuroPolice and Interpol.
“No doubt they will be checking out your email address and taking the necessary action.
“If you know where his grave is please take him a bunch of flowers with the inscription ‘KISS MY ASS’.
“Many, many thanks and good day”.
So far, I have not received any reply.
Anyway, on with the Carnival! It’s the last day so make the most of it. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and the scenario completely changes as we don sackcloth and cover ourselves in ashes.
When I was a boy if you as much as laughed on Ash Wednesday, a slap in the face and further severe punishment was guaranteed!
ALBERT JEROME FENECH
